Awkwardness All Around
by platowasabore
Summary: Everything that lead up to Burt giving a very reluctant Kurt The Talk.


Disclaimer- I own absolutely nothing...sadly.

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." ~Author Unknown

A/M- This story isn't very good and i don't think i captured Burt's voice very well but go ahead and give it a try. Let me know what you think!

Awkwardness All Around

*Burt's POV*

The first time I had met Kurt's boyfriend had not exactly gone as ideally as it could have. But then again, one might say that there is nothing ideal about walking downstairs to find your son (my baby boy, for god's sake!) shirtless and making out with an equally shirtless boy on his white Italian leather couch.

I must admit i took Kurt's being single for granted. i always figured that he wouldn't have much luck dating in a town like Lima and crossed out any such worries from my mind. Needless to say, I took great comfort in that fact.

Up until now, that is.

Now, if you have ever walked in on your child making out with some random punk chances are you have probably experienced any of the following emotions; horror, embarrassment, protectiveness and shock. Just to name a few.

Due to the mixture of all these emotions i didn't really have full control of the words that came out of my mouth next, which were, "What are you doing?"

Admittedly not the smoothest of reactions. It was pretty damn obvious what they were doing. That bastard kid was obviously trying to defile my sweet and innocent son.

Kurt's eyes flew open and his face adopted an expression similar to the one he made when i first caught him putting on lip-gloss. He immediately started to push at the bare shoulders of the boy on top of him (Oh, god. On top of him!) who quickly came to and leaped away from my son as if he had been burned.

"Dad!" Kurt said breathlessly, "You're home early."

"Slow day at the garage." I said shortly, before turning to the shirtless and red-faced teen standing awkwardly in the corner of my son's room. "Who the hell are you?"

"Dad! Be nice!" Kurt urged as he sat up and fumbled for his shirt, which was folded neatly and sitting on the edge of his vanity.

Typical Kurt. He's the only person i know who would take the time to fold his shirt during a make-out session.

"I'm Sam, sir." The punk said and extended his hand towards me for a shake.

I looked down at his hand, which not five minutes ago had been in the process of feeling up my son. Is it any wonder i didn't take it?

"What are your intentions with my son?" I opted to get right to the point.

If i played this right i could scare the boy so badly that not only will this Sam person never touch my son again but word will get out about me and i will never have to deal with anybody dating my boy again until he's thirty.

The kid visibly swallowed and retracted his hand. "...I...um..."

"Don't answer that, Sam." Kurt said, standing to glare at me warningly while buttoning the last of the buttons on his shirt. "Just go home. I'll call you tonight."

"Like hell you will!" I bellowed, in full out papa bear mode, by this point.

"Just go." Kurt repeated to the teen that seemed to be frozen in shock. Kurt gave him a little shove to get him moving after giving him a good-bye peck on this lips.

On the lips! Right in front of me!

The other boy came around and, after shooting one more terrified look at me, darted up the stairs. We both stayed silent until we heard the front door open and shut.

"Did you really have to do that?" Kurt asked huffily, placing one hand on his jutted hip and glaring at me.

"Do what?" I asked, exasperated, "I walk in here to find you making out with some guy I've never even seen before and I'm the bad guy? And just who in the hell was he?"

"That was Sam, my boyfriend." He explained in the tone of someone who's going over the obvious.

"Boyfriend?" I chocked out, in shock, "Since when do you have a boyfriend? And why have i never heard of this Sam punk?"

"Sam is not a punk!" Kurt squeaked out, offended, " and you said you didn't want to talk about boys!"

Damn! I had said that, hadn't I? And God knows i had certainly meant it at the time. I could handle this whole gay thing but i absolutely did not want to hear about boys. That was just too much for my heart to take.

I ignored that comment and asked, "How long have you been dating this boy?"

"About three weeks." Kurt said warily.

"Three weeks? Don't you think you're moving a little fast?" I said desperately. Although, if i was being perfectly honest, i had already slept with my first girlfriend by the second week. Oh, god. Please don't let them already be sleeping together.

Kurt's look clearly said he saw right through me and i sighed.

"Fine." i tossed my hands up in defeat. " Do what you want. Date who you want."

"Thank you." Kurt said haughtily.

I pointed my finger at him one last time before i turned to leave his room, "I don't want him in the house when I'm not here. Is that clear?"

Kurt rolled his eyes and did his best to look put out but nodded anyway.

"Good." I said and walked out, muttering under my breath "I need a beer"

...

"AIDS cases are especially high among homosexuals due to the frequent practice of unprotected sex within the gay community." The serous looking newscaster with the big hair reported into the camera.

I looked up from the tax papers i was gathering from the shop, so Kurt could figure them out for me, to the small t.v set up on the filing cabinet of my office.

My heart plummeted to the soles of my work boots. AIDS?

I had never really given any thought to my gay son's sex life before because, frankly, it didn't seem as if it would be an issue for a long time. Not to mention that i was hoping to keep my sanity intact. Now, though, he's been dating that punk from the football team...

I didn't really ever plan on giving Kurt The Talk. He's always been a smart kid and, in all honesty, the topic was enough to make me want to impale myself on one of the machines from the garage. When i first started to suspect that he was gay I always figured that my wife would handle that. But that obviously wasn't going to happen now.

Thoughts of my only son getting sick or having his life in danger started to rush through my mind. I don't know what i would do if i lost him or if he got sick. Never have i ever wanted to lock him in his room, where his is _safe_, until he's fifty more than i do at this very moment.

The big-haired newscaster yammered out about survival rates and breakthroughs in treatment while i made up my mind.

I won't have my son's life be in danger because I'm uncomfortable. I would have to give Kurt The Talk.

...

One very large issue presented itself as i tried to figure out how to go about this. I don't know a damn thing about gay sex. Really, I don't even know how it works at all. Lord only knows what goes in where or how it would be different from straight sex.

So, naturally, i decided to do my research before i spoke to Kurt. I didn't want to sound clueless and he would probably have questions. If I'm going to do this i might as well do it right.

So, as any good father would, i hit the web.

You'd be surprised by the things that come up when you type 'Gay Sex' into Google. But, on the bright side, i did figure out what goes in where.

The first image of overly muscled, sweaty men going at it was almost enough to make me abandon my mission all together. But i love my son, so i soldered on.

I quickly exited the site that featured what i could only assume was a wrestling fetish and clicked on the next one down the list. I was once again met with simiar pictures. Except that this site showcased pictures of a mans whole hand going in a place where i would so never want a hand to go.

I had gone through three equally disturbing sites before i found one that appeared to be safe and hold reliable information. I grabbed a pad of paper out of of my desk drawer and wrote down what information i thought i would need.

Now all i need to do is make a quick run to the pharmacy and I'll be all set for my big Talk with Kurt. I really do feel good about this.

...

"Kurt, I want to talk about sex."

Kurt stood back up from where he had cautiously perched himself on the edge of the couch after i called him upstairs and attempted to make a run for it. I reached out and grabbed his arm and steered him back towards the couch.

"Dad, _please_!" Kurt said desperately. "This really isn't necessary."

"Yes, it is." I insisted. "You're my son and i need to make sure you're safe and well informed."

"I am perfectly well-informed, "he said primly, "And I'm not doing anything that requires being 'safe'. Can i leave now?"

"No." I said, undeterred, "Now lets start off with oral sex."

"Oh, dear god. Kill me now." Kurt said, adopting a horrified expression on his face, which was now crimson.

I ignored this rude interruption and carried on, "Oral sex is sex." I informed him, "You can catch diseases and infections from it, the same as you can from regular sex."

"I _know_ this, dad!" Kurt informed the ceiling. It seems he had given up trying to make eye contact for the time being.

"Good." I said. "i wouldn't want you to do anything stupid."

"Agreed." he said, "Can i go now? Please?"

"Not yet." I told him as i reached behind me for the bag i had picked up from the pharmacy after work. "Now i went to the store to pick up some stuff for you _just in case._"

"Oh...My...Lord..." Kurt said slowly, staring at the content i was emptying from the bag.

"Now these are just condoms." i told him as he choked on his own spit. "And i also bought you some lube which, from what I've read, is important for gay sex."

"Wait." Kurt interrupted me, staring at me wide-eyed. "_Read?_" he squeaked, "Read where?"

"I did some research about gay sex on the web last night." I informed him proudly.

He groaned and attempted to smother himself with the expensive throw pillow he had insisted we buy when he took it upon himself to redecorate the living room in middle school.

"Now, you may think that just because nobody can get pregnant that you don't need to use condoms." I continued, ignoring his childish antics. "But you also have diseases and infections to worry about. That's why you need to use a condom every time you have sex. You can't just take peoples word about diseases. They may not even know if they have one."

Kurt pulled his face from the pillow and looked at me seriously. "Dad, i know all this. Please just stop, okay?"

I know he's probably very uncomfortable right now, but he really need to know all this. It's important, damn it!

"Look," i snapped, exasperated "You're my son and i love you, okay? I just don't want to see anything bad happen to you if there was anything at all i could do to prevent it."

Kurt sighed and threw his arms around my neck in that effortless way he always treated all affectionate gestures. I had never been as good with that as he was because i was raised to believe that men didn't show affection, but Kurt was all about the hugs, kisses on the cheek and gentle hand on the arm when talking. I was almost used to it by now.

"Daddy, I love you too." My son said into the side of my neck. " And i promise that I'm going to be as safe as humanly possible. I _promise_."

"OK." I relented, as i hugged him back. "You've always been a pretty smart guy and i trust you."

"Good." He said as he released me and stood up to leave.

"Just one more thing." I said before he was completely out of the room. He turned back to look at me wearily. "It's important to know because of the condom usage. Are you pitching or catching?"

He turned on his heel and darted down the stairs to his room with out answering me.

...

A/N- That's all. Just a little plot bunny that had planted itself in my head. I'm completely obsessed with the Kurt/Burt relationship right now.

If you don't review I will send Burt to your house to give you The Talk.


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